Anniversary

I've been known to make some pretty bone-headed decisions in my life. Sometimes, I knew that I was making a mistake when I made the decision. I used to have a friend who had me convinced for a while to "damn the consequences". I used to get beyond stressed and really not make decisions at all, just acted. Those kinds of ways of living don't lend much to a happy life. I mean, it's one thing to say "damn the consequences" and have an ice cream cone. It's another to not care what you are doing hurts a lot of people. It's one thing to get stressed and send the water bill to the electric company and the electric bill to the water company. It's another to decide to not pay the bills and have fun instead.

For those of you who know me, really really know me, you know that my life has been an awful lot of me getting myself into situations where I honestly didn't know how I got there. Most people would look at some of the things I've done and proclaim that I am a stupid, idiotic person who deserves to be unhappy... or something like that. Those people who really know me, who've bothered to ask why I've made some of the decisions that I've made, or not made, know that regardless of how things appear to be, I wouldn't hurt anyone, purposely, ever. In fact, there are more times than not that part of what gets me into bad situations is that I have a hard time saying "No".

I'm also the person who, one day, several years ago, sat on the edge of my bed and said a little prayer. What I said was, " God, I seem to be no good at picking the men in my life. From now on I'm leaving it all in your hands." The next day, I went out of town for several days. I had recently moved, new address, new phone number, new town. When I got home from that trip there was one, just one, message on my answering machine. Just one message from a person who I'd been friends with and hadn't heard from in months. I again sat on the edge of my bed and stared at the answering machine and asked God, "is this your choice"? That was at Thanksgiving time. I honestly believed that that one message on my machine was God's way of giving me a sign, of answering my prayer. On the very next April 1st, I got married to the man on the answering machine.

Now, it's not been an easy last several years. I've dealt with cancer and more health issues than most people deal with in an entire life time. I've moved away from my family and friends. I've lived life in a town of 300 people. I've worked sometimes 2 jobs at a time, been chauffer, mom, grandma, stepmom, and all kinds of involved in the community and church life of that little bitty town. I've had to deal with things and see things that I never, ever thought that I would have to deal with. Ever. I've learned things, not so good things, that I had no desire to learn. I've watched disfunction like I didn't know could happen. I've learned the love of grandchildren, and the pain of being apart from them, even tho they are not of my blood. I can't even begin to tell you all of the things that have happened in the last 5 years. You wouldn't believe most of what I would/could tell you.

But, 5 years ago tomorrow, I married that man on the answering machine. I blindly, trustlingly walked right into a marriage, a situation, that I was completely unprepared for. 5 years ago tomorrow I started to really bury myself, to be someone who just wasn't me. I didn't Damn the Consequences... I didn't have time. I didn't take care of myself. I missed more of my children's lives than I will ever forgive myself for. I stretched relationships that are vital to me to the limits. I gave and I gave and I gave... to the community, to the step children, to the grandchildren, to a "life" that I wasn't happy in.

Despite all of that, it took a lot for me to break away and come home, to begin to find myself again. 5 years ago, I took a leap of faith and married a man because I believed, and I still do, that it was what God wanted me to do. I don't know the purpose that God had in mind when he sent me on that path, but he does. I've probably already fulfilled the mission that he sent me on. I can picture a dear, little face, whose life I would protect and enhance if I could, and I wonder if that is why I was there. I wonder if I was there to appreciate better the things that I had before that marriage.

My first church sermon after moving back to Keokuk was a sermon which hit home with me. God was again speaking to me, so I felt. The message was that, there comes a point where you have to put yourself first. Not above God, but first in things earthly. To me, to someone who has spent the last several years of their life, catering to other's almost completely, that was a jolt. I cried. Tears were running down my face.

Is it possible that God told me 5 years ago to marry, to go, to learn and see all that I saw, to hear all that I heard? And is it possible, that now God is telling me that I don't have to do all of that anymore? Did I serve my penance? Did I fulfill my mission? Will that little face grow up to remember that not all of his life has to be what he faces on a daily basis? Are there others who have benefited from my life on the flatlands?

I can't live that life anymore. I just plain cannot do it. I didn't participate in the things around me, but I could not/ will not deal with them on an level any longer. I wwould disappear completely, into drama and lies and all things that I do not want to be involved in. I'm torn, a bit, because of that little face, and the faces of his cousins. I'm torn because I know the things that those little faces have been exposed to and have had to deal with. All I can hope is that when they do grow up, they will remember me and not be led down the road that seems to be before them.

Do I look forward to ending a marriage. No. I don't. But, I do look forward to being me again. To reconnecting with old friends. To witnessing and sharing and volunteering. To giving to my family. To let the people who have let me lean on them over the years lean on me for a while.

I'm one of those people who listen to the little voice in my head when it tells me to take a different route home than normal. I listen to the voices on the answering machine. I try to listen to God and do what he wants me to do. I follow my gut instincts. I often act on impluse, but am trying to think, at least a bit, before acting. I'm me and I'm tired of trying to be someone who I'm not. If that means that I have to do something that some people will not agree with, then so be it. Hopefully there will be more people who will understand that no matter what, I am trying to do what is best for me, for my children, for my friends, for my sanity and that despite what it looks like, I do listen to God's word. No one ever said that His path was easy to follow, or that it is the same for everyone.

This weekend is going to be a trying one. It's just plain not going to be pleasant or fun. It's going to be an ending and a beginning. I have to be strong and be me. I have to put to rest a past anniversary, and start a new anniversary that will take me on a much happier journey in God's world.